Like so many right now, we are a middle-England family with more sense than money.
We like to think that even if we win the lottery that’ll still be true – but we’re not betting on it. Boom boom.
Our careful management of the household budget dates back to long before the economy was devastated by the pissing away of a cool £9BILLION on useless PPE during Covidicus Ridiculous.
To that end, we have always enjoyed a cheeky mid-evening trawl through the wonderland of Facebook’s Marketplace.
Typically it is to find our daughter’s latest must-have item so it can be quickly disregarded before heading off to the charity shop or tip, as necessary.
If you are familiar with Marketplace you will be aware it provides an outstanding commentary on modern-day Britain.
It must have more bellends per-capita than… well… I have so many ways to finish that sentence but, for once, I’m goner strategically Plead the Fifth.
Of course the classic, staggeringly lazy and tedious enquiry from potential buyers is simply, ‘Is this still available?’
It is Facebook’s pre-populated question option and systematically abused by some of the most register-worthy individuals you are ever likely to encounter.
I’ll let you get all Brexit on whether they tend to represent any particular communities. But let’s have it right – they usually do.
Said buyers also back up their stunning attempt at coherent correspondence in a range of established ways.
These include offering to pay one-sixteenth of the advertised price, asking for details made crystal clear in the advert, and – as if the almighty herself had deemed it their human right – routinely not showing up for collection at the agreed time – if at all.
But it is the sellers who really shine in this bizarre bazaar.
Some make the effort to polish up their turds (although many don’t) before taking a blurred photograph of their goods from wherever they happen to be sat, complete with manky toenails or disregarded undercrackers in shot.
They then proceed to knock a solid five percent off retail to entice you to make the petrol-guzzling journey to an as-yet not fully disclosed address.
But the crescendo of your buying experience comes in the middle of their hilariously unhelpful item descriptions.
Here you are likely to find some very familiar war cries such as:
- Plenty of life
- Do someone a turn
- Grab a bargain
- Only used once
- Still in box/with labels
- And my personal favourite – need gone
How utterly compelling.
Anyway, if you haven’t had a mooch around Marketplace then go and treat yourself.
It is that odd, looks a bit like a house or a cake icon at the top of your Facebook feed.
Best ways you will, indeed, grab a bargain.
Worse ways you’ll wet yourself laughing.